Even Though We Break Up In The End

I don’t have relationship drama really. I am very happily married and am on good, if not friendly, terms with pretty much every single one of my exes. Not that it’s been a smooth and easy road, because it hasn’t by any means. I just haven’t left pieces of my heart behind with the men in my past, and David lays claim to the entirety of that precious organ. I have been spared that kind of lingering and lasting pain that I hear others talk or sing about so frequently. But I love break up songs. Oh how I love them. In fact, they are pretty much the only music I listen to. It’s one of my deepest sadnesses that I can’t really relate to Taylor Swift songs. Except I can, if I make them about the places that effected my heart the most. When I listen to them, memories float through my head about where I have left pieces of my heart – the Five National Parks I lived in before moving to Glacier. Maybe I’m crazy to feel these deep emotions about the places of my past, to listen to songs and drift in and out of a haze of memories of mountains, lakes, flowers, storms and rivers: of the hellos that felt like the thrill of beginning a new relationship and goodbyes that felt like a devastating break up.

Grand Teton

Grand Teton was the first love. The big love. After being single your whole life (but maybe having a few flirtations here and there) you are finally in love. And oh, it’s a better feeling than you could have ever imagined it would be. The movies and songs about it don’t do it justice. You finally understand the hype. It’s a love you are naïve enough to think will never end. The one you are naïve enough to think will last forever. The truth is, you are too young to know what you really want. You overlook the flaws because you just can’t imagine anything being any better. Because being in Love is such an amazing feeling. But you just don’t have the relationship experience to know when it’s become unhealthy, and when it’s time to get out. You stick around maybe a bit longer than you should, and when the relationship finally ends, it’s explosive and painful. Made even more painful by the fact that you really never believed it would end. It’s the worst pain you have ever experienced. But as the years go by, you forget how painful that breakup was. You remember the good times with nostalgia and warm feelings. Making it tempting to go back every time you find yourself single, but you never will.

“Even if I knew you'd be the one that got away

I'd still go back and get you

Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake

Oh, I'd still make it with you

Over and over, again and again

Even though we break up in the end”

“It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well”

“You’re the only broken heart I ‘ve ever had and love to have again”

Grand Canyon

Grand Canyon wasn’t really a love. It was more like a flirtation gone just a bit too far. It didn’t last long. It happened while you were on a break with your first love and it’s something that you feel ashamed of. It didn’t mean anything. What it did do though, was remind you of how sweet and special that first love was and sent you running back to his arms. You still see each other from time to time, but it’s a completely platonic friendship. You feel zero emotions towards them, good or bad. It is just, indifference.

"I can see the end as it begins."

“Say you'll remember me

Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe

You see me in hindsight

Tangled up with you all night

Burn it down”

Some day when you leave me

I bet these memories follow you around”

Yosemite

Yosemite was a rebound. You knew before it began that it was rebound. You couldn’t go back to that first love and took the first thing that came up. Surprisingly you end up caring for it a lot, more than you ever meant to. But you always knew it wasn’t forever, which made the break up surprisingly easy for you. You are in no way tempted to go back, but you still look at the photos fondly and know it will always have a little piece of your heart for being exactly what you needed exactly when you needed it.

“You were drivin' the getaway car

We were flyin’, but we'd never get far

Don't pretend it's such a mystery

Think about the place where you first met me

We're ridin' in a getaway car

There were sirens in the beat of your heart

Should've known I'd be the first to leave

Think about the place where you first met me

In a Getaway Car

No they never get far”

Zion

Zion. Zion was the complicated one. One that didn’t really fit, but that you tried so hard to make it do so. It wasn’t an easy relationship. You were off and on. In fact, it was more bad than good. But the good parts were so good they more than made up for the bad. You even committed to spending forever together. But as you moved towards that goal, the cracks in the relationship became even more evident. Over time you finally understood how you would never work together in the long haul. It was a hard break up. You never expected it to end. Especially so soon. But the fact that there is something better ahead, well, soothes away any pain.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright, because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much

You can barely breathe, when you're with them, you meet

And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em,

Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em

Now you're getting f***ing sick, of looking at 'em

You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em,

Now you're in each others face”

"I keep pushin' forwards, but he keeps pullin' me backwards Nowhere to turn, no way, nowhere to turn, no Now I'm standin' back from it, I finally see the pattern I never learn, (I never learn)"

Yellowstone

Yellowstone had always been a friend. You grew up together. They’ve seen you at your best and your worst. Through the ups and downs of your relationship with the complicated one, you wondered if it could possibly be more than a friendship there. During an “off time”, you try it out just to see how it will work. It’s surprisingly easy. Like a Hallmark Movie. The girl falls in love with boy next door. Only, it doesn’t end like a Hallmark movie. He’s too close to her first love, and the constant reminders and memories of the past relationship complicate and cloud things. She realizes that she will never be able to be with him and not think about her first love. It’s not fair to him. Then when her complicated love comes back, asking her to spend forever with him, she goes back to them, but in the back of her head wonders what could have been. Luckily, the brief attempt at a relationship didn't ruin the friendship, and it will be one that continues forever.

“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve

People are people,

And sometimes it doesn't work out,

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And I can't,

Breathe,

Without you, But I have to,

Breathe,

Without you, But I have to

It's two am

Feelin' like I just lost a friend

Hope you know it's not easy,

Easy for me”

“You know I'm not one to break promises I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe At the end of it all you're still my best friend But there's something inside that I need to release Which way is right? Which way is wrong? How do I say that I need to move on? You know we're heading separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you There's nothing I can really say I can lie no more I can hide no more Got to be true to myself And it feels like I am just too close to love you So I'll be on my way”

“After all that we’ve been through, I know we’re cool.”

Glacier

Glacier. Glacier is the soulmate. The one you admired from distance but never thought they would be yours. The one you had in the back of your mind the whole time. And when, finally you begin a relationship you can’t wrap your brain around how you got so lucky. Every piece of you fits into every piece of them. It’s simple and easy and beautiful and magical. You now understand why all the relationships in your past failed. The rocky road, the pieces of you left behind. It was all worth it. He’s the one you end up marrying, and every morning when you wake up and look at them next to you, you realize how incredibly blessed you are.

“And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here”

“Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it’s enough for me. Because all that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”

“All I know is we said Hello, and your eyes felt like coming home”

“This is it, this is now, it's what I've been talking about

Looking out, I can see forever”

I can’t guarantee that I will be in Glacier forever. You really don’t know where your life will take you. All I know is that I would like to be. I really would.

I am not sure what exactly it is about this place that makes it feel like home in a way the no place else has. Maybe it’s the neighbors that will clear our driveway of snow while we are working, or the lullaby of the trains that soothe me to sleep every night. Maybe it’s my grandpa’s paintings decorating the walls or my grandmas quilts draped over all the furniture, maybe it’s the days and nights spent tucked underneath said quilts by the fire as the snow falls down around us. Maybe it’s the lack of chain stores and the trips to the local butcher, bakery, or farmer’s market in the summer to fill our cupboards, or maybe it’s the man at the local frame shop who so carefully hand makes or fixes frames for my photos and paintings –and who always remembers to ask how David is doing, or if the football team he coaches has won any games yet. Maybe it’s the local dive bar down the road, where the beer is always ice cold and food hot and served in heaps and heaps paired with plenty of ranch.

Or is it the mountains? Glancing up from the sink while doing dishes and seeing the last rays of light illuminate them, I notice just how surrounded by peaks we really are here. It makes me feel small and comfortable all at the same time. Is it the pond in backyard that freezes over –allowing us to attempt to ice skate-even though it’s much harder in real life than on the zambonied rinks of my past. Maybe it’s the way the river turns a bright turquoise after a rain storm? Or maybe it’s the deer, fox, and elk tracks in the snow that lead up to our back deck, reminding us that we are not completely alone, even if we feel like we might be. Is it who I share my home with? This amazing kind handsome man. Or is it the nights we spend together, sitting on the floor close to the fire to keep warm, eating way too much pasta and drinking more cider than we should –laughing about inside jokes or nothing at all, just happy we are together. Is it our walks down by the river at twilight, skipping rocks as the orange sky fades to purple and we are no longer able to count how many “skips” we made? Or is it the nights we spend tangled up whispering sweet nothings to each other and admiring the snowscaped world outside the full moon reveals?

I can’t put my finger on it. All I know is that after years of searching for that place, I have found it. It’s been a long time since I have written, since I have felt inspired. Years in fact. But now I am writing every day. I used to sit on the floor every night leaning against my bed, my head filled with dreams and ideas and scribble them out into journals as fast as my hand could write. I remember the last time I did that. It was 2014. But here I am every night feeling inspired, dreams overflowing. It’s feeling alive in a way I haven’t felt alive in years.

My heart has found its home in David and my soul has found its home in Glacier.

There's a place I've been lookin' for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now the place that I was trying to reach

Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads

I had to take

To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to here

And if that's the road

God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

And I'd relive all the years